I learn to lose myself in what I think I should think, how I should feel and how I should act. I walk in places I don't know. One false step and a huge trap rises in front of my eyes. I don't quite understand what kind of places I have visited, nor how much I have waited in each place.
I let time go by and nothing changes, I question myself with every action on how I should act now so that the change can begin. I only manage to increase the emptiness that begins to take over my chest. I can only let my own absence slowly devour me and continue to cry out for company.
Days go by when I can't stand being alone and I don't notice it too much, but I resort with a certain desperation to arms that far from holding me, seem to push me. I fall into a corner away from the light and begin to feel lonely. My posture, previously upright, mutates giving way to endless sensations that dwarf my spirit.
I am again slipping into the wild city, wondering incessantly about my feelings, repeating to myself how I have lost my worth in the face of rejection. I try to stop the sea of thoughts in which I now seem to drown. I look at those around me and find no refuge. I reassure myself a little in the most precarious way I know how, but the feeling always remains.
Photography by Li Guanqun