Everything was fucked up. I was feeling down. She gave me no reason to explain her strange behavior, her disinterest and her lack of concern that our two-year relationship was worthless. I wasn't used to her lack of interest in me, on the contrary, she was always begging me to give her another chance. Once he even got down on his knees and whimpered begging for my forgiveness. Now, get up, don't bullshit, I told her. I laughed and she cried, complaining about my mocking her. I was powerful, I had her where I wanted her. But that seemed to be over. She didn't beg me for forgiveness or beg me to see me to talk or tell me she would change or threaten to kill herself if I left her. Nel, she just told me there was no more. There was some other guy, I was sure. That Sunday I had to go to the newspaper, I was an intern. It was my turn to go to the paper from 5 to 9. I was lying on the old mattress I had for a bed, looking at the ceiling. Thinking. Suddenly the junk cell phone I had vibrated. I picked it up. She had sent me a message telling me I was a piece of shit. I don't need you to remind me, I thought. I replied: thank you. She started to complain about my lack of interest and the little importance I always gave her. I didn't care, I just wanted to forget her. I stopped answering her, but she kept on complaining. What do you want? You won't even let me see you to talk, I answered. Well, come for me today, show me that you care about me, I'm at work, she answered. I looked at the clock on my cell phone, it was 4:30. Shit, I thought. At 5 I had to be at the newspaper. Eight days before I hadn't been there either, I preferred to go to a party to get drunk and high with the Champions and the Perro a Cocoyoc. That day I was devastated, that's when he sent me to hell. I wanted to forget everything. If I missed it again, I would probably get fucked up in the newspaper, but I cared about her. I was used to her, her smell, her skin, her kisses... Her in general. I didn't want to lose her, not yet. Okay, I'll see you outside your work, you're off at 7? I said. Yes, she answered. I confirmed my attendance. I looked at my wallet, I had 10 varos and a couple of subway tickets. That was all my capital. I was fucking fucked up, maybe that was another reason why he left me. No way, that would get me there, the two subway tickets and 6 varos for the light rail round trip. I didn't need any more money. I sent a message to my editor: wey, I know I missed 8 days ago but today I have a personal problem and it's impossible for me to get there, if you want in 8 days I'll stay longer to pay for it. There was no answer to my message. No way, I warned. I stayed lying down killing time while it was time to leave. At 6 o'clock I was going out, I sent him a message to let him know I was on my way. No, wait a little longer, it's too early, you'll be there much earlier, he said. Well, I answered. I waited another 10 minutes, killing time. I got desperate. I took a jacket, a couple of sweets I used to sell at the university to get some extra money, put them in my backpack and went out. I was anxious to get there and see her. Maybe things had a solution, maybe it was just a bad streak, misunderstandings. This was the definitive one, that day I would know if she was leaving for good or coming back. I arrived quickly, at 10:00 by 7:00 I was already there. Leaving the light rail, I saw a car just like his ex's. Same model, same color. Same model, same color. It turned into the street where the entrance to the building where she worked was. Son of a bitch, she's probably going there with him. She probably lied to me and didn't come to work, she was walking around with that faggot, they went to fuck and she told him: come drop me off at work, Miguel's asshole is going to be waiting for me. I'm sure he's laughing at me. I ran behind the car hoping to see her get out of it. She didn't, she went straight ahead. My heart was beating fast. My fucking junk and useless cell phone was already turned off, I had no way to let her know I had arrived. I waited at the exit door. Suddenly, a car arrived. A guy was on top, driving it. He parked just outside the staff exit. My mind started to play games with me again. No mames, he's probably coming for her. I'm sure he told her: come get me, so Miguel can see us together and shit himself, and we'll laugh at him. Sons of bitches. I stared at the guy. He was unconcerned. He didn't even look at me. He was on his cell phone, fucking around. I crossed the street and sat down on the opposite sidewalk. I waited for her to come out and get in the car. They opened the door to the building, a woman came out. It wasn't her. She got in the car and they drove off. Fucking hell, my mind was giving me a hard time. I stood there, waiting for her to appear. She finally came out. She saw me and walked across the street. Hello, I said. She answered the same way. I invited her to sit next to me, patting the pavement. She obeyed. I asked her how her day was going and we chatted a bit about her day. I took out the candy I had taken from home and gave it to her. She thanked me with a smile. We got up from the ground, walked towards Tlalpan. We crossed the pedestrian bridge and headed for the bus stop where she was taking the bus home. I told him to come with me to buy a cigarette.
-Cigarette? Do you smoke already?
-A little bit, it helps me deal with anxiety.
- Ok.
She pulled a pack of Lucky Strikes out of her purse and handed me one. I obliged. I lit it with the lighter she pulled out of the same purse and started puffing on the smoke. She lit one too.
- Here's the thing. I want to come back to you, I want us to be together. I don't want to lose you. But, listen to me, if you tell me right now that you don't want to, that you're not sure or that you want to think about it, forget about me. This is the last time I'm looking for you - I told her.
- I just don't know. Part of me wants to be with you, misses you. But another part wants to think things through.
- So, there is nothing to think about, it's yes or no, just that.
She remained pensive. She watched the cars go by in Tlalpan. I looked at her face. It was beautiful, fresh. There were reddish veneers on her cheeks. I wanted to kiss her. Too bad I could no longer approach her lips at the moment I wanted to do so. She was no longer mine. She turned and looked into my eyes.
-Can I think about it?
-I don't think so.
She hugged me and began to cry. A slow, deep cry. She looked up for a moment. Her expression brought a tear to my eye. Her eyes crystalline like pearls, her tears running down her cheeks, her thick lips open wordlessly. It hurt enough, I reached out to kiss her. She hesitantly accepted. We kissed deeply. A long kiss, prolonged like time. I had not tasted her lips for more than a week. My mouth was screaming for her saliva. We stopped kissing, she hugged me tightly again and leaned against my chest. Forgive me, he said. There is nothing to forgive, I answered.
- I have to go," he said.
- Okay.
- Let me think things through, please.
- I will be waiting for you.
- I love you.
- Me to you.
The truck that dropped her off at Periférico arrived. She got on it and drove off. I watched her drive away, little by little she got lost in the city. I never saw her again.
Photography by Martin Canova
