Most of the time I try not to look directly at anyone, not even those I recognize. I try to keep to myself all the time because I don't know what kind of people I'm dealing with, I talk when I have to and keep quiet all the time. I hate people who talk too much as if their private life were a joke and something that everyone is interested in knowing.
It's not that I think anyone is interested in my life and that's not why I write. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to write and inspire people like me, people who can't or don't want to fit in with others, but, not for them: but for me. I'm so sorry for being who I am sometimes, sometimes inferior, sometimes superior, sometimes a lot and sometimes a little, some days rain and some days cloud. What a shit.
I would be lying to you if I told you that I am not frustrated or that I am very happy. Of course I'm not.
When I was 13 years old I used to think that my writings would revolutionize the world and that they would be a reference to the generation in which I live, because I felt that no one else could feel things the way I felt them. I felt special, but, as I wrote I realized that there was nothing special about me. All those stories and ideas that constantly flow in my mind are nothing compared to the generic stories that are generated every day by the pseudo content creators that today live in the digital age.
People prefer the ephemeral, the fun and the distracting. The junk and what they can get their hands on like cigarette packs. I'm sick of it. I'm writing this because I want people to notice the amount of revulsion they have for people like me. People who had nothing to lose and took a chance to be different, not because they like rock or anything like that because I know all people tend to judge that kind of stupidity by one's tastes and stereotypes, but by the fact that they don't dare to feel. It's as if they live in a bubble immersed in mass media and don't want to get out of it. They live, think and feel as Hollywood movies dictate, as best sellers accustom us to and as others describe the world. What a farce and how repulsive.
Today I want to show that there is another side to the coin and in this furious manner, I will begin.
I was fortunate to grow up with a wonderful father, kind, literate and above all: sensitive. I grew up arrogant, full of wisdom transmitted by him and by the wonderful stories he made me read but above all: feel. Not everyone has that fortune and I understand that now. That's why there are people who settle for less, that's why there are people who choose people who make them feel like shit and I think it's because they really don't know how to be in shit or haven't felt it enough to leave. The biggest example of this sadomasochism and Stockholm syndrome is when women stay with a man who beats them and treats them like shit. Until they are on the verge of death, they don't get to feel what it's really like to be so fucked up.
I could go on and on with a million examples but I don't want to talk about that alone. Growing up I had depression that took root in every little cell of my body, it was totally consuming me, so much so that I stopped feeling. I didn't allow myself to feel anything at all and I didn't feel that there was anything wrong with it because in my opinion it gave me “personality”, a fucking psychotic and trauma-filled personality that wasn't right until the insomnia, anxiety and lack of hunger started. That's what I call it: the fortune of feeling and keeping quiet. I was so used to allowing myself as much pain and hurt as possible that I ended up breaking down and not only that, I ended up keeping it in.
For the next few years, I had no desire for anything, the feeling machine that I was had shut down and it wasn't an option to allow myself to be like that again because I didn't want to be weak. I wanted to dominate because that's what I had been raised to do, to prove that you can be better. I failed.
I stopped being interested in many things, I stopped reading, watching movies and listening to music. I fell into a deep loop where my life consisted of reluctantly studying and pleasing others without pleasing myself. Mistake after mistake. To tell the truth, I don't remember that stage of my life very well but simply because I don't want to. What a lack of character and willpower to even describe it.
About 4 years ago I met a person who changed all that, although I did not show to be so bad, this person was not so bad either. It came from something simple and unique, something as unique as allowing us to get to know each other and having the prudence and patience to understand and love that we were the way we were and we would never be what we were again. I am sure she feels that way too because I have never liked to judge people, I believe that we all are who we are because we have many things behind us and many burdens. She gave me illusion and hope, something as small as a song helped me to recover. I felt again and I felt too much and this time I assure you that I was no longer afraid.
Little by little things were happening, but, somehow she walked away without saying more. I didn't understand why or how, but, sooner or later I understood that she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for someone like me and something like us. If you've ever read Holden Rye, you'll know what I mean when I say she was my planet girl. There was always something and there it was but she wouldn't dare. Something was holding her back. Was I too much? No. She's too much. And I had to fill in everything she deserved. And so, that's how she walked away and I fell into an immense sadness that did nothing but inspire me and I felt again. And there I realized that it was worth all the sadness in the world to wait for her. I wish there were more people like her and I wish there were more couples like us. More real, more faithful and more willing to face everything. I love our brave and sincere love, I love that we only have each other. She gave me the life I needed to give her all of me and I am eternally grateful. I now have the strength to face everything in my life and fight for it.
What I'm getting at is that I have now experienced the most immense pain that I will ever experience in my life and that was losing the person who made me who I am now. And I allowed myself to immerse myself in my pain, I allowed myself to think and I allowed myself to be okay because everything heals. Time is medicine too and no one told me that, but, today I'm telling you. Not as a fucking bad taste joke from a self-help book but as a person who has allowed herself to be happy one piece at a time.
Hopefully you won't be the same as everyone else, hopefully you will allow yourself to have something like mine and hopefully you will have the strength to go against the current. Being just like everyone else is not only boring: it's absurd and speaks volumes about who you are. Don't ever let yourself.
Photography by Rahadyan Sastrowardoyo
