(The right words)

19 septiembre, 2019

Do you miss me?

I know. I’ve been out of touch.

I know, I’ve been quiet enough.

I know you have a lot of questions.

I know you don’t want to know the answer to any of those questions.

I didn’t bring a sword. I’ve came in peace.

I know you are halfway out the door.

I’m around the corner.

(But I thought that you should know)

 

At first, I couldn’t write this.

I guess I wasn’t brave enough to read what I had to tell you.

But maybe, I just couldn’t confront myself. 

I guess, maybe, just maybe, I couldn’t face the fact that I was the one that stopped the race I could never win. 

Cause it’s true. I’ve been running away from my true feelings. But this time was different. This time I didn’t run away from my vague or irrational emotions, this time I ran away from someone I loved. 

At first my words were filled with anger and anxiety. Every single thought in my head was bleeding. The thought of you suffocated me in every corner along with the scent of bursting candles in my room. Everything was blurry. And I can say that even right now, I haven’t been able to see this with true clarity because breathing the airs of all the seasons without you has been feeling like touching the bottom of hell. 

I’m at a crossroad.  Cause I can’t seem to walk towards the truth and neither towards you. Cause you are far away.  I haven’t been able to imagine you, talking and gesturing in synchronicity in the moments when I pretend to pause everything and I close my eyes. I know I’m far away from the place I used to feel like home, I know I can’t touch you cause I’m too late. And, the thing I know the most is that I won’t be able to walk the streets of this crossroad never again. 

I’ve eased the pain. But the only wound that I won’t be able to heal is that after all,  we are not who we promised each other to be.

I count the days and also my mistakes.

Sometimes I feel that everything happened this year. Sometimes it felt like the past year has been cruel and made me missed you slowly. Sometimes this year has passed quickly and I’ve been feeling ashamed for running away. 

I never understood what was my urge for wanting to run away too fast from everything I was attached to. 

Sometimes this year has been too slow and too fast…

Yet, sometimes I just want this year to be the sum up of the golden mornings and the slowly Sunday nights we spent together.

Cause that was the moment. That was the moment I knew that heaven was not overrated. 

(I bet that no one has ever had a love this violent)

I feel selfish praying. I only look at the sky whenever I need a smile. 

Yet, I’ve been praying. I’ve praying because nothing takes me to a certain state or place, nothing gives me peace. 

A lot has happened. If you see me walking down the street I bet you could never recognise me. And I know that you would probably be scared, because now I’m trying really hard to overcome the predetermined set of outcomes that correspond me since I ran away. 

I grew apart. I changed.

I found refuge in soft-lighted rooms with wide windows.

I’m finding comfort with the unfamiliar. 

I have apologized to myself for overwhelming me with uncertainty.

I’ve had minimal attempts to trip up and cross dangerous lines.

I’ve decided to stop punching myself. 

I’ve put down the gloves.

I know now that I’m not guilty and you are not a victim. And viceversa. 

I know now that even our worst, darkest and wildest moments weren’t as poisonous as we thought. 

I know now that we can manage to change our bad habits. 

I know now that I’m not ashamed of this narrative. 

Because sometimes, things don’t go out the way you planned it. 

(And, no, I know it’s not fair)

All that is left for me to do now is to extend warm thanks to you. 

Thank you for the golden days, all the transparency and peace you made me feel.

Thank you for letting me read you, because you never were indecipherable.

Thank you for sharing me the best and worst of you. Cause the worst side of you was the thing I loved the most of you. 

Thank you for everything you gave me without realizing it.

Thank you for fighting this war with me. Thank you for being my ally.

Thank you for shaking hands with our decision. We will never be enemies. 

Thank you for being brutally quiet to me. Because now I can hear what I feel out loud, and now I’ve managed to share my words to you without anger. 

I know now, that these, are the right words. 

Thank you for letting me, start again, once more. 

P.S. Thank you for loving me, brutally honest.

Fotografía por Patrick Liebach

por

(I share dialogues with myself with a lot of parentheses and suspension points)

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