The pain that slept one night

16 enero, 2018

It all seems like I can’t love another.
Stop talking in silence.
I’m the one that wants to scream.

I want to scream you all my silence.
But you won’t listen.
You never listened.
I’m tired. But sleeping doesn’t help.
A pain in my chest.
A pain that doesn’t sleep at night.
But no, I don’t want to talk about that pain, no, not tonight.

Can we talk about the gory bits of your past?
Let’s bond.
(I can talk first if you want)

Why am I so damaged?
Maybe that’s not the real question.
(Is that even a question?)

You can’t tell that I’ve been crying.
(But I can show you my bruises)

Any bruise left on your body?
Any tear?

Too angry for tears?
I’ve been there, too.

You can read me between the lines.
Yes, you can do that.
(I can’t let you read my mind)
(But you are reading my body)
(And go ahead, read my mind)

The first time?
I remember many first times.
That’s not a fair question.
(You should try asking me when did it was my last time)

(I roll my eyes)
*I’m lost in the roof*
(I’m not feeling the gory bits of him)
(No, I’m not feeling him but I’m feeling you)

*I’m lying in bed in a bad mood*
(I don’t understand the scarce memories of his neck)
(But the body next to me taste like fresh air)
(I’m lost in my thoughts)

*I don’t understand my body language*
(But I don’t want to understand the thing inside you that is mine)
(And I don’t want to understand my skin)

*I don’t miss his neck*
(But I want your tongue around my neck)

*I don’t miss his taste*
(You could never taste like the sea)

*I feel like my wrists are breaking trying not to let him go*
(But you can even break my ribs)
(And he can go, too)

*I feel a collapse inside of me*
(But you can crash into me)

*I’m holding my breath*
(But I found you and there’s no water)

*I see myself in my inner mirror*
(I’m scared to death)

*I see myself in you*
(I can’t help but stare)

*I see you*
(I see you)
(I feel you)

*Seems like I’ve been holding on forever*
(Sometimes it felt I like didn’t mind waiting forever)

*I don’t believe in crosses*
(But I don’t mind kissing your face on my chest*

*I don’t want to talk about the pain in my chest*
(But please, let’s talk about that)
(Let’s talk about my pain)

*You are kissing my face*
I feel.

It all seems like I can’t love another.
But lover, it actually seems like I can love another.

Fotografía: Aëla Labbé


(I share dialogues with myself with a lot of parentheses and suspension points)