Today you broke my heart. Or rather, I broke it all by myself, again. But in a totally different way.<\/p>\n
It's hard to explain what I feel, because I'm not even sure what it is. I just feel sadness and fear, because finally, after 5 years (actually 6), it's over. You won't be around anymore, and I have to accept it, just like when I decided not to try anymore. And it's not that I want to be with you or that, like some years ago, I thought that in the future we would be together. I think we have changed too much that we would not recognize each other anymore. But, despite the distance and the years, you left an imprint on me, and I know, or knew, that no matter how much stuff and time passed, there you were going to be, always, for me. But no more. It's over now and we must, I must, move on. To move forward keeping in mind that it is me and I no longer count on you, that I can no longer return to what I thought was my safe place in case everything collapsed.<\/p>\n
I guess it's for the best, for everyone. But still, in a way I didn't think would happen, it hurts.<\/p>\n
I panic to go through again what it was, 5 years ago. To suffer the loss of someone important and their absence from when they are no longer there; to feel the helplessness and frustration, as if the whole universe conspired for us not to be together; the dying of fear and anxiety, the sleepless nights and guilt, the remorse and fear of thinking about what was and what could never be, and in wishing you the best even though I know nothing of your life.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Diego, this goes directly to you, even if you never read it.<\/p>\n
Part of me wanted to see the video one last time. The other, thankful it's gone.<\/p>\n
Part of me needed to know that you are with someone. The other part hurts to know.<\/p>\n
Part of me is happy for you, that you are moving forward, opening up and trying. Another part is wondering who you are and wanting to give you advice on how to treat you, even though I don't know you anymore.<\/p>\n
Part of me is grateful that you're doing well. The other is uneasy that it is working.<\/p>\n
Part of me thinks it's the best thing for everyone. The other part thinks things could have been different.<\/p>\n
I don't know how to go on. I think for the first time, after 5 years, I thought about taking out everything of yours that I have, which is actually mine but you gave it to me.<\/p>\n
Maybe it's time to let you go, totally. Even though I still love you and you are and will be someone who marked my life, with whom I have beautiful memories and to whom I wish the best.<\/p>\n
I wish, with all my being, that you are happy. I love you very much, and I hope to hear from you, sporadically. I hope you know that I will be here if you need someone to talk to.<\/p>\n